I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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