If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
