So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
