my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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