Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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