is your mom at the bar?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
