We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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