I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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