I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This is my gift to your gina
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
