I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
