I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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