It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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