I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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