I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
