Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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