I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
