i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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