Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
