I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
