i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
