rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
