I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
