Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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