So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
