I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
