my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
