I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
