i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
