The best revenge is premature balding
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
