The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
