Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
