ugly people sure do ruin things
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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