This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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