She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
