Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I think my moral compass just broke
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
