i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
