So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
