Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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