New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
