Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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