He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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