i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
