Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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