Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
