So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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