you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
