Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
