Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
