Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
