I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
